The Dark Tower (the movie!)

My thoughts on the movie as someone who's read and enjoyed the whole series. Warning: major spoilers galore, for books and movie both! 

The Dark Tower is satisfying, exciting, and deftly adapted. Or, if you haven't already read the 4,250 pages that it skims through, it's "inconsistent, incoherent and often cheesy." (That's the Tribune, but it sums up most of the reviews I've read.) Proceed at your peril.

I've read those pages, and if you've invested that much, I doubt you need me to urge you to see this movie. In for a penny, in for a pound, as far as I'm concerned, and with that attitude I was very entertained.

This is not an adaptation of The Gunslinger (Book 1), but a "sequel" to the whole series, where we pick up a different iteration of Roland's journey. It's radically compressed, and I kept my head above water with the plot only because I knew all the elements already.

Rejiggering everything isn't messing with canon or anything, at least as far as I recall. Book 7 resets back to the beginning, with, essentially, The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed, but, like, kinda slower. So the movie is just another lap around the track in which things happen a lot more quickly.

Twice it veers uncomfortably far into Star Wars territory: the Man in Black chokes people to death with his mind before stalking away - no pinching gesture, at least - and little Jake finds a pile of ashes where his mother should have been. But nobody ever accused Stephen King or George Lucas of being subtle. Is there any better motivation than avenging your mother's murder? (I know, I know, it's Aunt Beru.)

There were also some eye roll moments. When the ground shakes, Roland says, "It's a dreamquake," a word that should never make it past any editor, ever. The NYC graffiti (the secret sign for the interdimensional portal) is neatly tagged in a font straight off a million horror movie posters. And is there only one artist in Hollywood that gets every call for "child draws his nightmares"? If so, can he at least get more than red and black in his palette?

There were great moments too, though. Two Gunslinger trick shots. Some good monsters. Some good fish-out-of-water Roland in New York scenes. Plenty of easter eggs to catch - the Tet Corporation was one of the first title cards at the beginning. As I said, lots of reward.

I'm disappointed we probably won't see a big DT franchise. I was ready for this movie to suck, and I'd still go see them all. And for all we know, maybe they would have really brought the books to life, or they'd cut it down to four movies, or an epic trilogy. The books admittedly had a lot of flab. Instead, the next thing in the pipeline is a Dark Tower TV series that fleshes out the universe surrounding the movie.

The remains of a "Pennywise" theme park also suggest the potential for stitching together a new generation of Stephen King movies (of which I'm sure most will be remakes). Provided the new It does okay at the box office, how long before we see a new Shining miniseries? A new Cujo? (Another) new Carrie? Or, if they have not forgotten the face of their father, a new Maximum Overdrive? Sony doesn't have a cinematic universe right now, unless the throw their weight behind the Emoji Movie.

But back to the point: I left the theatre thoroughly entertained and pleasantly surprised. Being already well versed in the plot, and knowing all the backstories of various characters, I could cheer with every new character I recognized and nod I caught. In a taut 90 minutes, Dark Tower made light fare of heavy books, a true popcorn romp for Constant Reader.